Evil is upon you, whether you like it or not...

Usually when you hear of something that sounds too good to be true – it isn’t.  So the day you see something that looks to good to be true, like a house made of candy,  best you keep your eyes open and watch out. Evil is upon you.  
 

In the feature film adaptation of the Grimms fairytale, ‘Hansel and Gretel’, we get to go back to the house that’s been haunting them for so many years, and while doing so, see them inflict pain and suffering onto their childhood tormentors of old: witches. In fact, killing witches is something the brother and sister have become quite apt at since the time when they harrowingly escaped death  from their candy house of horrors.

                                                                                                                         Now years later, they are witch-hunters for bounty, and in their neck-of-the-woods there’s always plenty of crooked creatures luring young children into their lairs that needs to be punished. Exactly the reason why each-and-every witch they find is going to die.   

  

 'The only good witch...

...is a DEAD witch.'

During the opening credits, real care is taken to establish the original Grimms children’s storybook feel with some authentic-looking illustrations. In between we get shown newspaper headlines informing us of the new roles Hansel and Gretel are fulfilling in an obviously witch-plagued society. 

The plot revolves around having to find some children before the dreaded ‘Blood Moon’ ceremony. During this ceremony, six boys and six girls will be killed for their hearts, the sixth girl however has to be a ‘Grand White Witch’. 

Concocting a potion from their victim’s hearts and drinking it, means the witches will become immune to fire, should one of them ever get caught and land up on the stake. In between searching for all the missing children, the siblings uncover their own mother’s true identity as a Grand White witch, and how this was the reason they had to flee into the woods the night they were captured - some rival witches wanted to drink her heart. 

 

Cast:

Jeremy Renner, who plays the character of ‘Hansel’ in this movie, fails to bring enough of his bad-boy charisma to the table and tends to make some lazy choices throughout his entire performance.

The chemistry between him and Gemma Arterton (Gretel) also appears to be an unholy business at times, and the sibling pair fails to impress as witch-hunters, especially ones that witches should fear.

Arterton’s character would probably have been better portrayed by Rachel Weisz, who most definitely would have given a more centered performance between being a striking feminine beauty and a vicious witch-hunter.  Here, Hollywood also seems to make a lazy choice, the amount of available cleavage clearly the deciding factor.

Making a character more ‘butch’ by having them swear has never served any lady all that well. Sigourney Weaver, during an emotionally charged scene of Aliens, must have been one of the few female leads to get us all on her side when she told the queen alien, ’Get away from her you bitch!” 

Arterton is no Weaver, and her attempts in coming across as ‘in charge’ fail to impress. Fortunately if a career in acting doesn’t work out, one as an underwear model might.

 

Famke Janssen (Jean Grey, X-Men) delivers a solid performance in her role as Muriel, the chief witch. 

Unfortunately, Hansel and Gretel is nothing more than a miserable witch-hunt. Trying to persuade its audience that there are also ‘good witches’ in this world, is like trying to convince people that there are versions of the truth.  

 

To those who would like to see Hell Boy, Blade, The Lord of the Rings and Twilight come together in one sitting, there might be some satisfaction in watching this movie. For the rest of us who are already occupied dealing with all the other evils of this world on a daily basis, inflicting such torment on yourself during your free time might just be too much to ask.